Life in Alabama

The other day, I came across an article [Link] entitled “Showy male primates have smaller testicles” and it struck me how this described an aspect of Life In Alibam!

The article describes how male primates either have substantial sperm generating capacity or they have substantial visual attraction to the opposite gender. 

But, almost never, both.

In Alibam, we have two types of male human primates: those who drive trucks (primarily pickup trucks,) and those who drive something else. 

The former group are characterized by the truck: a vehicle that dominates the roadway; that cannot be successfully steered with any finesse; that cannot be kept in lane except by the most expert of drivers; that is responsible for the majority of highway collisions and fatalities.

The truck is basically a substitute for the magnitude of the impregnation organ, at least in magnitude if not in functionality. A male human primate who “drives” a truck is unarguably “male.” (A female human primate who “drives” a truck is unremarkable; such is the difference between male and female human primates.) 

Male human primates who drive trucks are often frustrated by their inability to control their vehicle adequately and thus become insecure and haunted, which further deteriorates their ability to “drive” their truck and deal with society. This is the primary causation of all that is wrong and evil in Alibam society, which is considerable. 

It is worth noting that the head coaches of the state’s two primary universities’ (American) football teams only drive trucks in commercials and are paid for doing so. 

The second group of Alibamians, those who do not drive trucks, are generally quite competent drivers other than a studied inability to keep to one lane rather than constantly shifting between lanes. This behavior, however, has been attributed to the presence of trucks and the fear of death that such instill in otherwise sane individuals. It also seems to have some association with a general fear of losing one’s employment if one arrives after one’s boss at work.

This fear has not been strongly associated with driving trucks but rather with a general belief that Alibamians are fundamentally incompetent, illiterate, and ignorant. This belief is upheld by the life choices of many Alibamians, especially in political elections. 

Another bemusing aspect of those who drive trucks is that the trucks are almost never used to haul anything since that would “dirty” the truck and decrease its representation of the virility of the driver.