Holiday Horrors

Not all holidays are bad. Those where you don’t have to go to work and put up with the office EXTROs and don’t have to family and put up with all the kinfolk EXTROs are acceptable.

But this time of year is the season of torturing INTROs.

It starts with Halloween. You have to dress up in a nasty costume whose only good aspect is hiding you from close interaction with EXTROs. And you have to go to EXTRO houses with people you don’t know (or like?) and put up with their EXTRO verbal bullying and take their horrible candy because your parents require you to experience this torture. And if you are a parent you have to subject your children to this and go with them because they have to go out and learn about EXTRO pedophiles (is that redundant?) and such. And how to smile when they get something they don’t want.

This, however, is good training for the really evil part of the season. It starts with Thanksgiving and goes through whichever Solstice period pseudo-religious torture your family indulges in. This is the period when you get reminded – painfully – that family is all about EXTROs who are mentally incapable of comprehending what an INTRO is and how you can give them irreparable harm while thinking how nice they are to dirty, nasty, impolite children. Good religionist folk, these. So smug in their EXTRO Superstition that no harm to a child is too large nor too small to be inflicted with glee and joy.

The only saving grace of this is that you will not see these evil people again until this time next year (except maybe in the summer) and the food will sicken you so much that you may regurgitate all over some of them. Which will earn you corporal punishment. Which is an improvement over the mental punishment that is otherwise continuous.

New Year’s Eve is a quiet footnote to all this. If you are a child you can quickly crawl off in a corner and pretend (or actually) fall asleep and only be poked occasionally by  drunken EXTROs. If you are an adult you just stay at home and do something worth while.

The only other horror is – possibly – a summer holiday such as Independence Day – which is sort of farcical since none of the EXTROs have any idea what it is all about except the ones who sojered who are either actual or honorary INTROs anyway. And those same relatives may show up and renew their horrible torture except now with noxious body odor. And more upchucking of nasty, nauseating foodstuffs. Like under-cooked but burnt dead bovine flesh. 

And, of course, the season also has a tradition of gift giving. So you have to make yourself thank the EXTRO giver – who will nonetheless consider you ungrateful of the five minutes they spent getting the gift, which they consider a rigorous duty and boon – for some piece of stercus that you won’t be able to get rid of until you deliberately destroy it in pretense of play or go off to college and can either trust the parents to dispose of it – a chancy trust – or dump it in a landfill on your way to campus. This is where that nasty candy ritual comes in.

This is why I dislike some holidays: the ones where I have to pretend to be an EXTRO while the real EXTROs pretend to be human.

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