Messiah Munch 4

Went to gym this morning. Nothing unusual about that but the NPR podclips were a bit thin so I ended up watching a bit on the electro-magnetic video-but-no-audio monitor. They were showing a list of what NOT to buy as gifts for men. I found a similar list on line [Link] and had to do my thing of commenting:

1. Gym membership – This is a gift? In what universe? 

2. Silly gadgets – First of all, never give electronics; you can’t pick what is desired, if anything is desired. But simply put it’s a hunter-gatherer thing.

3. Cologne – Ditto. Unless you are sending a message that I need to alter my body odor. And then be prepared for divorce discussion.

4. Tools (for a certain project) – Again, a hunter-gatherer thing.

5. Ties – This one is marginal. If it’s a serious, wear-to-work tie, then don’t because hunters don’t do complementary coloration. It it’s a gag tie be prepared for it falling completely flat.

6. Shoes and clothes – This is another instance of men don’t do complementary coloration. If it’s a solid colored sweater of the stay warm variety and not some fashion statement, then OK.

7. Nose hair trimmer – unless I have an acknowledged problem with nose hair and am too cheap to buy a decent trimmer, NYET.

8. Personalized stuff – unless I’m totally consumed with being my own brand, and I have to wonder why you’re staying around if I am, don’t.

9. Bath products – See stinky water above.

10. Jewelry – Unless it’s a watch like the one I already have, which just died, don’t. It will end up causing friction because I will hide it in a drawer until you bury me.

11. Anything “As Seen on TV” – See Silly Gadgets above.

12. Framed pictures – this one is a no-no because it makes no sense. What kind of picture would you be giving? Unless it’s a Mort Kunstler print I have been drooling over for years and you’re willing to endure the money argument.

13. Gag gifts – Again, a hunter-gatherer thing. 

14. Artwork – see Framed Pictures above.

15. Coupons for favors – Coupons are like money, so does this mean we have a strictly capitalist marketplace relationship now? Do either of us want to go there?

The surprising thing is how good the list turned out to be. But its best feature is conditioning men on how to behave on Solstice morning when they get given a pile of stercus and have to pretend its aurium.