Cooking and Chores

Once more to Freya’s day and the edge of week out. The mundane day holy day – sorry for the alliteration – has rather thrown off my time sense this week. Especially my sleep cycles. Assisted in this evil by the pollen and other nasal nasties.

Yesterday was the conclusion of the exercise week, ending – I hope – the skewness of the podcast listening schedule. The rest of the day evaporated in errands. First a visit to my barber for a general capital shearing and a robust dosing of practical Nawth Alibam life philosophy. My barber, I have been frequenting her for over twenty years and live in fear of her retirement or discorporation, never ceases to amaze me with her hard scrabble practicality intermixed with artistic culture. No, not the false kind practiced in large cities by overly rich, overly indolent wives, but the natural kind that emerges in the hinterland among working folk. She makes me wonder if there are actually sentient, intelligent, cognitive bogs or is she a nerd in bog’s clothing?

Thence to the MalWart for the few odds and ends that I could not find in the civilized stores of Nawth Alibam’s Shining City on the Hill. Happily almost all I had on list could be found and I was not but once confounded by the evil that is MalWart’s policy of dropping poor money makers no matter how important they are to life. I am repeatedly surprised that they continue to offer bread and water.

Then I had to install FD SCP’s new printer. Her old color laser printer died – the curse of plastic parts – and she wanted to opt for a multi-function ink jet and although I hate ink jets with a passion bordering on violence I acquiesced. Additionally, I had to admit that the whole toner thing is a nightmare with color laser printers. There are times when I can be righteous in my trust in monochrome laser printers. And good suck brooms!

Anyway, this exercise involved interacting with Winders – Seven, a relative happiness! – and the corrupt instrumentality of Hewlett Packard. The install, which took over two hours, was only moderately painful and unpleasant. No, only moderately painful. It definitely was unpleasant. But the good news is that maybe the printer is working and I have renewed my appreciation for Linux and Cups.

In and about all that Drunkard’s Walk, I ran across an article on Mother Earth News [Link] entitled “10 foods to teach kids to make on their own”, and since nerds are (usually) neotenous adolescents I could not resist examining the list and boring my readers – the few, the bored – with my comments:

  1. Scrambled Eggs – This one I can do. I had to learn to scramble eggs in the scouts – no, not hacker scouts, I hd to settle for boy scouts. Not nearly as good but all we had in the dark ages.
  2. Quesadillas – This I can sorta do. Except I opt for whatever tortilla has the lowest sodium. Doesn’t matter how good my colon is if I’m dead from blood pressure. And I melt them up in the microwave, not gonna dirty a pannini press for this.
  3. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup – I know how, but I only go the grilled cheese part. Tomato soup has too much sodium. And it hurts too much. And I broil the cheese.
  4. Fried Rice with Vegetables – Nope. Have no idea how to fry rice. Nor, I think does FD SCP. Not one of out dietary items.
  5. Honey Baked Chicken – Why would one want to waste perfectly good honey on chicken? .
  6. Pasta and Sauce – I can sorta do this one. I used to boil box macaroni to make Gorp, and I have my own favorite spaghetti sauce that I make in winter. Takes several hours. And I start with diced tomatoes and use a hand blender.
  7. Baked Potato – I have to admit that I can’t do this one. Both my mother and FD SCP have tried to teach me to bake potatoes but invariably I get disasters. So I but low sodium pom frits and bake them.
  8. Peanut Butter Granola Bars – Why would anyone want to make these? I like peanut butter even though I have to drive to Gawjah to get it at an IGA, of which we have none in Nawth Alibam. But why waste good peanut butter on granola?
  9. Homemade Brownies – I don’t even try this. Why would I? All that chocolate.
  10. My Favorite Chocolate Cake – Why would I want to make a chocolate cake? Yecchhhhhhhhh. I used to make banana pudding cake. Get an envelope mix of banana muffins and bake up as a cake, poke holes in with a wooden spoon while hot and pour over boxed mix banana pudding (sand fruit) and let set for a few hours. Much better than chocolate. Not nasty.

I suspect from the standards of the (supposed) mom who wrote the article I am an incompetent teenager. I suspect all teenagers are incompetent given the list. It lacks the most important thing:

11.  Clean up

My mother tried to teach me how to cook stuff. She failed. But she didn’t try very hard because in those days boys weren’t supposed to learn how to cook. But I had lots of chemistry courses in college. And eventually I got where I could sorta cook.

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