Reflection on Humidity

I had occasion, while on my morning constitutional at the park, to contemplate the climate of Alibam, Nawth Alibam in particular, and therefrom, society. Summer in Alibam is nasty and beastly, moderate heat but coupled with tangible humidity. As a result the intelligent are indolent in the summer and the bogs generally kill themselves off although not, unfortunately, before they have bred, so while this does tend to keep the population somewhat controlled, it does almost nothing for the quality of the gene pool.

The rest of the year is moderately nice, a secret that we try to hide from the rest of the Yankee republic. After all, it is bad enough that we have to suffer with the Yankee Army of Occupation in the wake of the recent second rebellion without the added insult of Yankee bogs clogging our land with alien stupidity. Thank you, but our domestic stupidity is quite depraved enough.

The worst of our domestics are confined, much of the year, to state capitals where they are put to the theatrical labor of enacting laws. This serves as a general source of amusement for the intelligent and diversion for the bogs, thus keeping them from intruding on matters of import and utility. It also serves as another form of camouflage to hide the goodness of the state from the rest of the republic while providing their bogs with red herrings to rant and foam about.

The rest of the year is quite clement. The fall is quite comfortable and has the alloyed blessing that the bairns are back in schule where they will be subjected to anything but education. This assures that the bogs are unable to comprehend anything of merit or worth. It has the advantage of keeping them out of the way most of the day but does have the disadvantage of the annoyance of organized athletics culminating in high schule and party schule college football. This latter does have the advantage of demonstrating some of the advantages of dogs over bogs in that the latter are not only cleaner and more loyal and affectionate than bogs they also do not engage in gratuitous and wasteful team athletics of abysmal quality and competence.

The winter is characterized by annoying periods of ice and occasional snow, mostly cause of concern because of the incompetence of building contractors who all flunked out of party schule colleges if not high schule itself. This is a necessary evil since importing competent builders from the Nawth would not only be a major security risk but also put large numbers of otherwise unemployable bogs out of work, forcing them to become professional methamphetamine cookers and hence threaten the status quo of fire insurance premiums. It would offer the possibility of improving the financial lot of dentists except that meth cookers do not visit dentists. Otherwise winter is enjoyable since it concentrates bog team athletics into confined spaces where its intrusion on neuronorms is minimized.

Spring is a mixed season. It is quite comfortable except for the intrusion of tornadoes. These storms are a mixed bag. Their occurrence does have some geographic patterns that are generally heeded by the intelligent. The bogs gleefully reside in these areas thinking they have obtained a financial victory on land costs. The storms also have the advantage of providing a source of propaganda to deter immigration from other parts of the Yankee republic, at least so long as the factories that produce pink foam hair “rollers” are maintained. Obese subjects for the Yankee journalists to “interview” are also no problem so long as the fast food “restaurants” can be maintained. The stupidity is evidently natural. At least we have not yet been able to find a cure. And it does permit us to reduce the costs of public schules.

So summer is something to be endured. At least until the project to develop suspended animation is successful and we can skip over the parts of the year when the climate is unpleasant. Except for those few who have to stay awake to assure that the bogs don’t get into improper mischief. AT least until we can figure out how to breed slightly more intelligent dogs.

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